UK Wildlife - The Wild Haggis
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Wildlife index

The Wild Haggis are exclusive to Scotland. They frequent moors and lower mountain ranges, and it is very rare to sight one. Despite their many similarities to humans, Haggis avoid all human contact. Their plumage enables the Haggis to lie down and pretend to be a rock and a thistle, or to roll over and give the appearance of two upside down half buried bagpipers, leaving the uneducated walker none the wiser.

Haggis are quite at home on the smaller lakes of Scotland, their cellophane coat being quite impervious to water. A Haggis in a river however is bound to be in trouble as it's knobbly legs cannot counter the rivers flow. There have been numerous sightings by the long-bearded fishermen of unfortunate Haggis that have floated out into the sea and perished for want of a good diesel outboard.

Much merriment has been made by naturalists at the expense of the Haggis. Many have written in the media that the Haggis's legs are all of a different length, meaning that it can only run around in circles. These crass attempts to get the Haggis to speak out in its own defence in the media were rightly ignored by the Haggis. Many Haggis do indeed have chiropractical problems, but these are related to it's body fat index and weak, knobbly knees.

In the summer of 2007 I came across my first Wild Haggis. I was attempting to break the Scottish mountains marathon running record with my recently divorced friend Kate Rusby, of musical fame. Sprinting up the tenth mountain of the morning I was stopped dead in my tracks by the sight of a rock with horns and a mohican. It took me a few moments to realise that what I was actually seeing was the Cairngorm Wild Haggis! By this time I had been spotted and the creature started barrelling down the hill towards me like an angry badger with broken legs and two horns. I knew that my record breaking attempt was over, and it was all I could do to race down the mountain at a speed the likes of which has never been seen before. Scooping M(r)s Rusby and her bottle of Timotei out of the river I dove into a thicket and observed the by now bewildered Haggis searching the valley floor for my splattered remains (pictured above).

Despite this life threatening scare I still hold great affection for the Wild Haggis, and will be visiting the Cairngorms next year in the hope of befriending one. Be sure to keep posted!